![]() While this is a type of conflagration, for sure, it’s not the only type. There’s a joke in monogamous queer communities about folks who “U-Haul-it” meaning that they move in together very shortly after getting together and become inseparable. Where the slow burn is careful, controlled, and breathed into, the conflagration is powerful, unleashed, and steals the breath from those in its wake. The conflagration is intensely passionate, moves fast, and changes everything. I want to be consumed and have the entire landscape of our lives changed by our presences within them. Let me be honest and up-front: a conflagration is MY style of relationship, 100%. If you’re a regular reader of Poly.Land, you know some of her experiences. She neither smothers nor suffocates the fire but has had partners in the past that do either (and in one case, both). The reality is, Page tempers her behaviors because she enjoys the benefits of a slow burn, and it meets her needs more often than not. This is perplexing to some (me included, sometimes), and has even led others to conclude that she’s asexual despite identifying as hypersexual. She moves slowly in relationships, not because she doesn’t like a person, but because she doesn’t need to move fast. Page is, perhaps, one of my best examples at hand of a “slow burner” with both positive and negative experiences from it. They require careful and constant breath to remain alive, and if someone checks out or is looking for something more intense, they can sputter out and die. The oxygen that feeds the fire has all but disappeared. If one or more of the partners involved get impatient or interprets the slow pace as lack of interest, poof. It’s clear why this is the ideal for so many folks: they’re stable, passionate, and committed.īut they’re easy to stifle, too. ![]() They’re not just slow at the head, but they burn constant and prolonged. Memories are not only cherished but become trophies on the altar of the relationship.Īnd slow burns last a long time. The entire relationship takes on shared meaning that makes any milestone feel like a shared achievement. Every glance, every blush, every stray touch is electrifying. “It’s like emotional edging,” a friend said to me, pointing out that it makes everything else in the experience so much sweeter and meaningful. It builds and builds within the relationship, creating a delicate tension. The beauty of the slow burn is that it is incredibly safe while being intensely passionate. …I may be unimpressed by this particular style of relationship. Boy never touches the other boy until love, security, commitment, and trust have been established. It’s what we are typically fed as “appropriate” in understandings of romance. The Slow BurnĪ slow-burning relationship is one that starts off, well, slow. Consider how these might work for you, but also what’s missing? What needs just a little bit of tweaking to be just right (and what is that tweaking)? Only you can decide what tools to keep in your box. These metaphors are offered less as a be-all, end-all and by fiat, and more as tools to help individuals and couples develop a shared language with which to discuss experiences that are relevant to them. Metaphors are some of the best tools we have for distilling complex and deeply involved concepts into tangible tools for conversation. As they are metaphors, they’re imperfect, and there will always be combinations, exceptions, and differences within them. These six metaphors are “the slow burn,” “conflagration,” “campfire,” “bonfire,” “Bunsen burner,” and “chemical spill.” Each of these metaphors is presented with accompanying benefits, drawbacks, and an example. They might also help readers “name what is” in their current life and remain mindful of how all sorts of relationships in their lives are structured. It’s silly, but I feel a need to include one here, especially since this is less essay, and more “listicle” for easy reading.īelow I outline six different fire-related metaphors to help people discuss, understand, and contextualize their relationships and what they’re looking for within them. A good abstract should be enough for someone who’s read the paper in full to come back to and remember the pertinent details. Something that introduces the topic, states the conclusions, and gives an outline of the entire paper. In academic writing, we write an “abstract” to a paper. “I’m so over the slow burn,” I said, “give me a conflagration.” You can follow Fluffy on TikTok at what they wrote for us today: Love is a Fire, Baby Six Metaphors for Relationships Today’s piece is a guest blog post from Fluffy, an academic in-training, who is studying organizational behavior in hopes of making the world a better place.įluffy is a frequent contributor to Poly Land.
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